diaries of a single black mother

Diary of a single mom : Motherhood 13

Some have greatness thrust upon them, that’s the same with motherhood. Others actually plan every step of the way, yet some just find themselves mothers with no clue whatsoever of what to do.

I didn’t know much about raising a child but my mom, sisters made it easier. It was teamwork. Tawana never lacked, we all did what we could and he was just a bundle of joy… you know that kind of feeling one has after spells of the scotching sun and you hear the small rumbling sound of rain coming.

Instead of going indoors, seeking shelter, you stand out in the open and let the drops hit your face. You even stick out your tongue a bit to taste the drops. That’s how motherhood felt like, quite indescribable.

But it’s not all rosy… there was this other time that brought me down on my knees. Tawana that day was not that playful. He just slept and didn’t want to eat. Something was wrong. Then he started throwing up badly. Mom had gone to church out of town.

His temperature was not so bad when I felt his forehead. I tried to give him milk and lots of water but nothing helped. I just kept him rocking him in my arms. He slept for a while and I let him rest. When mom came back Tawana was still sleeping and I told her of what had happened. She went and checked in on him and the little one was drenched in sweat. His temperature was kind of fierce and mom decided to call for our family doctor, the doctor said we were to meet him at his surgery in town.

Mom drove us to the surgery and when the doctor arrived and did an examination he said to my mom, Tawana needed to be admitted in hospital. I was quite alarmed and scared. He told us to drive to hospital and he would meet us there, he made a few calls and we headed to the hospital. The nurses took my son from me and then attended to him.

They said he had lost a lot of fluids and his pulse was weak. So they put him on a drip and gave him some injections. I called Dad and decided to call James as well. I don’t know why but I did.

‘Hi, James?’
‘Hi Tess, what’s up?”
‘Am at the hospital with TC, he has been hospitalized.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Am not sure yet,’
‘If anything happens to him I won’t forgive you!’
‘What do you mean? What exactly do you mean? You are crazy, I don’t even know what I was thinking calling you. You know what, shove yourself down the sewage drain and don’t show your face here.’ I was in a rage.

‘And if he does die, don’t come running to me.’
‘I won’t, and that’s not going to happen’
‘Tradition will make you.’

I didn’t need to put up with his crap. After all he was my son and he had my name. What kind of insanity had actually driven me to making that call? I guess I wanted to grasp at straws.

I went to my son’s bedside that’s where I should have been not making stupid calls. Mom rubbed my back and said everything was going to be okay. She had to go home pack an overnight bag for me and some pyjamas for Tawana. She also had to buy some of the medication that had been prescribed by the doctor.

When she left I held Tawana’s hand in mine and prayed. I prayed so hard that heaven must have shook. I needed a miracle. I couldn’t eat, and I dint want to leave his beside. I wanted to be there. On the second day of being in hospital, I noticed that after speaking to the doctor my mum had tears in her eyes.

I couldn’t speak, I didn’t want to know. I stormed out of the room. I wailed, Thalia and Theo tried to soothe me, but that seemed to be the fuel that drove me to my knees.

When I didn’t have the tears no more, I knew this was not what mothers did. Mothers did not give in, nope they are fighters. I was going to have my son; I was going to watch him grow into a fine young man. Death would not cheat me. I gathered myself up, and went to my son’s side.

My mother was quite composed and I noticed that her eyes were tired. I didn’t think she was sleeping enough. I asked her to go home and rest and that everything was going to be okay.

‘Tess, I understand what you are going through and everything is going to be okay. He is definitely going to be okay.’
‘Thanks mom. I love you.’
‘I love you too.’

We hugged before she left. That was all the comfort I needed. I slept a bit by the bedside. When I woke up it was dark. I reached for my son’s feeble hand,

‘When I discovered I was pregnant with you I had no idea what was going to happen. I was scared not being married and all. But I made the decision that I wanted you despite all odds. The fear drifted away and your pregnancy soon became like a little rainbow at the end of heavy rains. I loved you. When you were born, I couldn’t have asked for anything more than hearing your first cry.

Music to my ears. You had such tiny feet and hands. I was afraid of holding you too close or even bathing you. You were so tiny, I thought I would crush you if I held you too close to my chest. I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want a life that you are not part of.

I love you. I have never really known that I could love like this, but you are my joy, my peace, my everything. That is why I need you to be okay. It’s selfish, but I can’t think of any other reason. I love you, I really love you. I need you my baby, please come back to mummy.’

He rested and looked so peaceful. I went outside just to compose myself. It was a trying time for the whole family and at times no words were needed. Everyone was just left to their own thoughts after the usual greetings and routine questioning.

The next morning, I was just sitting in the room when Tawana started crying. I called out to the nurse and she came and began examining him. She then left to call for the doctor. The doctor came and examined him again and prescribed some medication.

He just said the worst was over before leaving.. I just sat down and praised the lord. He had heard me at my time of need. My boy was back.

My little human being. I love him. I always will. I will put no one above him.

Click the links below to read the chapters written so far

 

Introducing the Diary of a Single Black Mother

 

Chapter 1: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 2: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 3: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 4: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 5: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 6: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 7: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 8: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 9: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 10: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Chapter 11: The Diary of a Single Black Mother

Philomina Musekiwa
Journalist, visual communicator, social media manager

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